Emptiness

I just need to write everything down somewhere.

Lately, life has started to smack me in the face with realizations and pain. I just thought that by the time I was my age, I'd have everything figured out. Not so much in the career sense or financial sense, but in the social sense.

I thought I would be a part of a group and wouldn't be so lonely all the time. But, when I look at things, I feel alone sometimes even though I know I have people. I've just realized that there are things that are so important to me and try as I might to not care about them or change who I am or try to forget them, not having certain things just leaves me heartbroken.

I should be all desperate and falling to pieces because I'm not in an established relationship, I'm not thinking about marriage, and I'm not committed to the one person for the rest of my life...while this matters to me, it's still in my head as happening some day. It's not the focus of my life path right now. Right now...I need to belong to people.

All those silly things that are important to me need to happen, a lot. Like, requests for my company, spending hours with people, conversations with real connection, people to offer to do nice things or favors for me.

I want a group of friends that I see everyone else having...you know, when you talk about things you enjoy and suddenly you and the other person or persons are planning to following that individuals dream of hiking somewhere or eating at a restaurant and you don't have to question whether or not you're invited and a part of it, you are and you know it and they let you know it too.

I've had that before and I miss it so much. I have people I care about and I want the community and connection with them. I want phone calls that I don't have to make, texts that I don't have to send first, conversations that approach me, high fives, inside jokes, hugs, weekend excursions together, late night conversations, random movie nights, laughs, going to see shows and bands, hikes, share interests, holiday gatherings, everything like that and just...people to be with. I want to always feel like I'm a part and to not have to beg to spend time with people because they want to spent time with me just as much as I do them. I know, it sounds like I just need to find someone to marry...but that's not right, I really need a group, I really need a couple best friends and more than anything, I really need people to let me know that they want to be part of my life like that. More than anything, I want the people I already care about to be a part of my life like that.

I feel very empty without that sort of community and I know people are all different and life has everyone moving in different directions, but it would be amazing to be part of a community like that with people I have here. I keep trying to find the positive light and to accept what I have in front of me as it is, but there are just certain things that you cannot will away no matter how hard you try. 

I know I'm an anomaly, compared with the rest of society my interests, my social status, who I choose to be friends with, the fact that I'm not falling head over heals into a relationship...it's all wrong, it's all weird, and I know that, I just wish I didn't feel rejected for it.